chemo 16 - red devil 4 - finito!

Almost six months ago I embarked on the most terrifying path I’ve ever encountered. I’m not exactly sure how I feel now that chemo is over. And if you told me six months ago that this is where I’d be, I wouldn’t believe you. Shouldn’t I be thrilled that chemo is over?

Yes. Yes, I am thrilled. But, there’s an air of hesitancy to celebrate hanging over me. Is the cancer gone? I just realized a couple of weeks ago after my surgeon’s appointment - eliminating all of the cancer wasn’t the ultimate goal. I’m not sure why but I heard curative six months ago and ran with it. I clung to curative to get through the hardest days and nights. And while cure is still the ultimate goal - there’s still two big steps before we get there.

So, 16 chemos down, and it worked! The tumor is much much smaller. We won’t know exactly how much until after an MRI on Monday.

Chemotherapy overall wasn’t as bad as I imagined. But most things in life aren’t. I am coming to terms with the fact that my body is pretty run down. Although, I am pretty damn proud of a 5 mile walk two days before my 16th chemo!

“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.” - Jane “Nightbirde” Marczewski.

I truly can’t believe how incredibly full my life continued to be throughout the 22 weeks, 16 chemo treatments, and I didn’t let a single one hold me back. It seems my nerves and body got used to going in for chemo by now - a lot less nerves once again.

I didn’t start off with this much strength. I was terrified. I did a lot of things absolutely scared and softened the edges of that fear with Xanax. I mourned and grieved my life like it was disappearing and I’d never find it again. I thought 16 chemo treatments meant everything was on hold and that terrified me. I’m impatient. I need forward movement to feel alive. Somehow, life handed me everything I needed to make it through.

Each week brought a new unknown and I do not get along with the unknown. I wondered when the side effects would get harder (they didn’t) and when I’d be on the bathroom floor begging for it to all be over (I wouldn’t). Chemo wasn’t easy by any means. I’ve lost every ounce of what I recognize was my body for 33 years. I avoid the mirror until I pencil in some eyebrows. I absolutely hate my bald head but hate the uncomfortable feeling of a wig even more. I found a strength within me I didn’t know existed. I know I will never again be the same - but now instead of fighting it, I welcome it.

The final chemo was a little bittersweet. My brain just can’t grasp that this part is over. I wasn’t really sure how I’d feel - and to be honest three days out I’m still not sure how I feel.

On Sunday I came home from a perfect weekend getaway to a big surprise - the gals had decorated and penned the perfect poem saying goodbye to this hoe of a tumor. I can’t even begin to explain how much it means to me that they gathered to make these signs and surprise me with them! Although, I do have FOMO and wish I was there with them as they made them!

Monday, chemo day, my mom and I met with my nurse practitioner before treatment. My counts were up! But, unfortunately, a lot of my questions about post treatment just couldn’t be answered. I wanted to know my chances of having to do oral chemo after surgery - we won’t know until we get the pathology report from surgery. I hate this big unknown.

The hours of the actual infusion went by quickly. But, right when they were unhooking me, I saw the news that Jane “Nightbirde” Marczewski had passed away. She had been quiet on Instagram so I worried. I had just listened to her music through my last Red Devil. I am still so sad for this loss to the world. Her words are so comforting.

I’m only one third of the way through this treatment - but it feels like I made it to the first peak of the mountain. Over the next four weeks I’ll roll back down only to be faced with another peak to reach - surgery and recovery.

The physical side effects of chemo are torturous but the mental aspect is even worse. Surprising even myself, I handled the physical side effects like a champ. I missed no work other than days getting transfusions. But, I also spent many evenings on my kitchen floor waiting on my dinner to heat up while in a puddle of tears. Overwhelmed with not being able to keep up with the workload I used to fly through in a day. Angry I no longer have hair or an immune system but I feel good enough to be able to live like a normal person. Eventually I ordered a rug to soften the blow as I sat there in a pity party for one on the floor. Once the air fryer or microwave beeped - that was it. Time to muster up the courage to nourish myself with a meal for the day before collapsing on the couch.

Chemotherapy dissolves the cancer cells. But it also dissolves who you used to be. I’m starting to rebuild but there’s still a long road ahead.