24 days

I have known I have breast cancer for 24 days. A lot of my time is spent thinking about breast cancer, treatments, and especially wondering exactly when my cells decided to turn into cancer. I also can’t focus on anything other than cancer. It’s obnoxious. But, I’ve also felt this ticking time bomb to enjoy my life before treatments start fast and furious.

These 24 days have been filled with appointments, scans, more appointments, but thankfully not many decisions. I hate making choices, but I hate being out of control more. I have zero choices and zero control because my choice is endure what’s to come - or die. Which feels dramatic and morbid. But, it’s the scary truth.

These 24 days have also been filled with amazing friends, and family, and truly fun times. I feel so very supported and so very loved.

Since sharing the news most people’s response is what my first thought was upon hearing it’s breast cancer - oh I’ll get new boobs (but I LOVE my boobs!) and I’m young so it’ll all be okay. But, that’s not the case with triple negative breast cancer. It’s aggressive. Which, hello, I should’ve known that considering the tumor grew bigger than a golf ball before I ever even noticed a lump.

Official full diagnosis is Stage III Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Don’t google it because it’s pretty scary. I’ll tell you that it’s aggressive. It typically recurs within the first 3-5 years. And it is typically found in late stages. It is in my lymph nodes but not distant parts of my body. I’m still waiting for my genetic testing results to tell me if I have genetic markers for cancer. We’re assuming it’s not likely since cancer is not very present in my family.

Tonight’s Sunday Scaries are ever present and incredibly heavy. My final weekend for a year before treatment for cancer begins. My first chemo is this Friday. And yep, they start with chemo. Which honestly has been the absolute worst part. Surgery feels more normal than jumping in to chemo.

The port for my chemo was put in last week in my chest. I can’t look at it and it’s still sore from the surgery. I really can’t imagine them accessing it so soon.

Friday kicks off what will be the hardest year of my life - and that is honestly saying a lot considering I’ve endured so damn much already.

I’ll have immunotherapy - Keytruda every three weeks for one year.

Weekly carboplatin and taxol for 12 weeks.

Then, it’s the big guns - Adriamycin every 3 weeks for 4 treatments. This one is dubbed the “red devil” because it’s red and also makes you feel pretty shitty.

Following the six months of chemo I’ll undergo surgery. Likely a mastectomy, and likely a double mastectomy, because I already know I won’t want to ever to chemo again and I’m in this to be aggressive af. Following surgery will be radiation. And then wrapped up with reconstruction. But, these are all things to come. Let’s face this first hurdle.

I have found some really great resources and my favorite so far is the podcast “Breast Cancer is Boring” on Spotify. If you’re curious how I’m feeling - these ladies really hit the nail on the head.

So for now, it’s Sayonora to the life I thought I was building and hello to a fight I literally do not want to do. Not sure who I’ll be on the other side of this but of course I’ll be stronger.