chemo 6
Woah, we're half way there, Woah, livin' on a prayer, Take my hand, we'll make it I swear
Friday, 10/29 marked my 6th chemo treatment - I am halfway through phase 1 of chemo!!!!! Halfway through the 12 weeklies! I have 10 more chemos left - but to feel halfway through anything at this point is a WIN. The road is still long and we’ve really just started but I’m big on celebrating EVERYTHING!! Things went smoothly on the actual infusion day. Followed by Halloween shenanigans - I was 2007 Britney Spears because duh, what else was I going to be?
I’ve been going out without my wig more often than not. I’ve felt great wandering the aisles of Target, running errands, and even sometimes grabbing a low key dinner and seeing friends. But for some reason, wandering Scott’s Addition for Halloween was hard with no hair. I thrived in those streets for so many years and experienced so much - but this by far was the worst. And I’ve been in kind of a funk ever since.
And here’s where I get honest. This whole thing is a roller coaster. I’m fucking pissed I can’t just have a normal life. It’s fascinating that I can face my mortality, my diagnosis, and the very real pain that’s ahead with surgery with a brave face. I can handle the chemo and shots. But, you bring up my hair? I’m a mess. I thought I was handling it so well. I went in for another wig consultation. My insurance will cover a human hair wig - I just have been jumping through hoops for weeks to find a place that can bill my insurance directly. I finally had the appointment and as soon as she asked what I wanted I lost it. I want my hair back. I want my life back. I want to throw my hair on the top of my head and go. I want to feel the warmth it provides. The activity of washing and styling it that I used to curse. I feel like I’ve totally lost myself when I lost my hair. And I know I rock this look - and I’m so lucky my eyes are so pretty and pop. But I’m so sad at how much I’ve lost and my hair just feels like the tip of the iceberg.
Also, I’ve lost ALL of my hairs. Which, is great because no shaving my legs or armpits. Not so much for my poor little nose. Every morning is a crime scene of blowing bloody snot (you’re here for the TMI, right?) and it’s just overall raw and uncomfortable up there. I’m dreading the day my eyebrows and eyelashes are out. I probably won’t leave the house ever again.
I haven’t been eating because nothing sounds good, which then makes me nauseated. Dinner is especially hard. Unless I’m with people I’ve all but left dinner out of the picture for about an entire week. I also meltdown like a toddler when I don’t have food and get so emotional. Then, it’s a whole process with myself to determine what I can actually stomach. Which is typically nothing healthy - and I end up with a burger from Five Guys. I’ve ordered a new blender for the smoothie cups that have been living in my freezer so my goal this week is to have smoothies at the very least. I’ll also be trying out some edibles tonight to see if we can restart my appetite. And of course making more dinner plans so I don’t skip out.
Oh, and let’s not forget about chemo brain. I forget words - OFTEN. My thought is there one minute and then just nothing a second later. I have to keep extra close notes for all work activities or the task is just out the window - which is very unlike me. It’s like my brain has been on a six week bender and is just craving a month long vacation to just be still.
So, here I am. Six weeks of chemo in. I no longer wake up each day wondering when the shoe is going to drop and I’ll feel totally ill. I am making plans a week or two ahead of time because I’m not afraid I’ll be completely out of commission. But, I guess I’m really not feeling as great as I thought as I reread this recap. It’s just not what I thought it would be. It’s not what is portrayed on TV and in movies. I’m not on the floor sobbing (most days) and throwing up every five minutes. My life didn’t stop (completely). The side effects crept in slowly. One by one it compounded on top of each other and built this shitty new reality - except its not that shitty. It’s not shitty enough to where my entire life is on pause. And I’m so very grateful for that. I’m just adjusting to this new life and body still. Learning to be so gentle with myself.
