chemo 5 & oncologist update
These chemo updates are getting a little mundane, y’all. We have no idea how I’m doing so well physically but overall, other than losing my hair, I’m still feeling pretty normal. A month ago I really thought my life was over as I knew it. This weekend was proof that is far from the truth. We’re almost halfway through the weeklies and I am very hopeful this positive trend continues. I know the AC (red devil) will not be nearly as kind but it will be easier going into that phase if I’m still this good!
I had my first appointment with my oncologist since starting treatment. I was armed with a few questions. I can feel how much this tumor has shrunk so I’m anxious to get some scans to see it for real. But, we won’t be doing scans until before surgery.
I also tried to negotiate my treatment some (of course I did!) - if we can get to no evidence of disease (NED) from these weekly carbo + taxol infusions can we just skip to surgery quicker and eliminate the AC? I know, I know, it doesn’t really work that way but I just had to ask. The answer was no. The AC helps save my life longer down the road - gets me to the five years when recurrence drops.
My oncologist is very happy with how I’m doing!! My cell counts are up. I’m feeling good. AND she attempted to measure the tumor and had trouble finding it. Also, my lymph node that was pretty large - is now not detectable. This is exactly the progress we want!! We’ll get images when I have my check in appointment with my surgical oncologist Dr. Deal.
We have six more weeks of treatment before the AC starts and all evidence points to me continuing this positive trend throughout the rest of these weeklies! I’ll have the week of Thanksgiving off completely so my schedule won’t be moved. This is great news because I have two mountain trips planned with the gals coming up and I’d like to feel good enough to visit wineries and delicious dinners!!
I still often think I want to run away. I wish I never came back from the many beach trips from the summer, or Belize. Or that I never went my gyno to have this lump checked out. Like I could outrun this thing or something. If I never knew I had cancer my life would just be normal. But, it doesn’t really work that way does it? And I’m finding I am still completely out of control of fighting this. So, why do I still want to runaway so badly? The mental aspect of all of this is starting to set in. I really wake up suddenly thinking “I can’t have cancer.” Like my cold bald head isn’t sign enough. It seems as if I’ve been dropped in someone else’s life and I can’t recognize it. And I’m not really sure how to feel like myself in this new world of cancer land. I’m quickly realizing this cancer thing - it’s here for the rest of my life. It’s not just this year of treatment. It’s fixing my life once treatment is over. It’s worrying about recurrence. It’s trying to relate to people who have no idea what it’s like to face mortality at 33. So, I guess I should be more clear - physically I feel pretty great! Mentally, I’m trying to absorb all of this.
