I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m sure your first reaction is - does anyone know what they are doing? But I’m finding that it’s incredibly hard being 35 with a potentially very limited time, especially while treatment is working. I am SO VERY thankful that treatment is working. I’m even more thankful to feel like my life is my own.

But I also find myself wondering what future me will need from current me. What should I be planning? What should I be doing with this wild and precious time and life?

And there are no true right or wrong answers. Or are there?

I don’t know what I’m doing and more importantly - I don’t know how to figure out what I should be doing.

You know that moment right before you do something really risky and like most likely you’re not going to die but your anxiety says it’s a possibility? And you start to roll through the things that have happened and rack up a list in your head of the things you’ll change if you get the chance to.

Well. That’s my every day and doctors would argue that it’s probably likely that 40 years old is a stretch. But it’s impossible to believe that. I hold so much hope that isn’t true. I’m just getting started!

What matters to me a lot right now may not even be a blip in the grand scheme of things.

So, I wonder…

is it brave or is it reckless living for the hope of it all?

Booking the trip.

Spending my days writing and reviewing content, strategizing for clients, or working in general.

Stressing about the endless stream of dumb things.

Rotting on the couch wasting the hours.

I’ve heard the secret to life is to enjoy where your feet are. The precious present is right now. While I haven’t totally mastered that - I’ve come pretty close. But then the wonders of what else I should be doing creep in. What else do I truly have time for - in the literal and figurative sense?

I sometimes wish I could live that dream life but the dream life takes work and trudging through the work (not just my job - life is work) feels like I’m wasting these precious moments.

I tend to panic on the days I’m not feeling well. I settle far too deep in thinking this will last forever. But it doesn’t and then the good always follows.

So I guess I don’t need to know what I’m doing.