oh, your friend has cancer
You’re probably thinking - oh shit, I’m not equipped to deal with this. Believe me, my friends thought that too. And they’ve all stepped up to the plate beautifully. Or maybe it’s your sibling, cousin, sister-in-law. No matter who it is, your world is crumbling right beside them. Here’s a non exhaustive list of how to show up.
So your friend has been diagnosed with early stage (stage 1-3, or you’re not really sure which stage) cancer and you’re unsure of what to do. You likely want to show up BIG time and make sure they know you love them. You’re also likely feeling so incredibly helpless and have no idea what to say. Here’s what helped me most. And I say most because so many things helped at different times and I’m sure to leave something out.
Follow their lead. If they want to go to dinner and drinks like nothing happened - join them! If they want to go to dinner and drinks and then sit at a bar and sob and then quickly Irish goodbye and run home like a crazy person (this was my go-to method), let them! It’s going to be the elephant in the room. A quick “I heard the news, this bleeping sucks, I’m here to talk about it or not - it’s totally up to you.” Then just go on about your normal dynamics. If they seclude themselves, check in softly and regularly.
Check-in OFTEN - set a reminder, a calendar appointment, something to remind you to check in with them often. But not too often. Don’t start calling every single day if that wasn’t your vibe before. One of my best friends started sending “wish” texts at 11:11 most days and we still continue. These always bring a smile to my face and a gentle reminder I’m thought of. Your person will get a flurry of love and light and messages in the first month or so and then it goes dead silent. Be the person who is still there when things are silent.
Ask what they need! I’m not sure why we are all supposed to be mind readers in tough times. I guess you don’t want to bug the person. And we’re all terrible at asking for help. Provide a short and easy list of things you can provide and how you can provide it. Typically the logistics of receiving help can be more exhausting than actually doing that thing. A quick text of “I’m placing a Target pick up order - anything I can get for you and drop off around X time X day?” goes SO FAR!
Chemo Bag - coordinate with their friends and fam to put together a chemo bag. My girls started it off with a blanket and other necessities and then each week someone added different things. My favs were activities, candles, fuzzy socks, treats for Willow. It was SO FUN getting a gift before each chemo and I still remember each thing.
A friend is a teacher and her students (high school!) all wrote a little note on an index card. Woo, the tears, it touched my heart that these kids dug deep and extended so much love to someone they’ve never met!
Share happy cancer stories! I know we all want to relate to someone. We want that person to know we know the trenches ahead. But for the love of life DO NOT say “my aunt died of cancer XX years ago.” Especially not as soon as someone shares their diagnosis. Instead, say nothing, or “I just heard this story of XX thriving after cancer!”
Provide grace - your friend might be flaky in this season. Still invite them to things even if they’ve bailed 999 times at the last minute. I know it’s frustrating. But they need the grace right now.
Check in again. And again. And again. Don’t pester or be annoying but every month or so it’s nice to say I’m thinking of ya.
Messaging - I wouldn’t be a PR pro without providing some examples:
“Hi, wow, I don’t really know what to say and I know you’re inundated. I am here whenever and wherever and will check-in often. No response needed.”
“Shit. Shit. Shit. What can I do for you? I’d love to send XYZ. What’s your address?”
“Today was shitty, I’m sure yours was too, I’m going to happy hour at xyz time - see you there?”
“I’m thinking of you.”
“I’m craving xyz and going to make it this week. Can I bring it over and we commiserate on the couch? Let me know what night works for you"
Lastly, please provide your person grace. All of the grace. They will be flaky. They will cancel plans at the last minute. They will disappear. They will be a shitty shitty friend. But they’ll come around. Also, a huge THANK YOU to everyone who continues to show up - I love you all!
