hair

Honestly, the second thing that crossed my mind after “oh shit” when I was diagnosed was “but, my hair” and that feels so vain. I’ve always had long hair. I’ve always LOVED my hair. If hair can be a personality trait - mine was. I truly don’t know who I am without my hair - isn’t that kind of ridiculous?

Throughout all of the doctor’s appointments - I stayed so strong. Processing and knowing this was going to be a shitty battle. But, when my hair is mentioned - I’d lose it.

I was told about cold capping. An option to try to preserve hair during chemo. Basically, you wear a cap on your head during treatment that freezes the hair follicules and doesn’t allow blood to access - thus the chemo isn’t killing your hair. But, it’s painful. And expensive. The process is a whole damn extra process, too. Y’all, I love my hair but I hate pain and complicated things more.

So, I was told it would be less dramatic and jarring if I cut my hair to a shorter length before starting to lose it to chemo. This day was my top three hardest days so far. I feel so out of control of my life and I fucking hate it. I feel like I’m already losing so much of me and it kills me.

I do already know that once it truly starts falling out I will buzz it off. I know I can’t emotionally handle slowly losing it over the course of days or weeks. I’ve been told this will likely start after my second treatment.

I’m starting to warm up to the new bob. Which, will likely make the day of the buzz cut top five hardest day.