positivity

Positivity can easily be toxic. I know attitude is everything and I try to flip my perspective often. But this shit is hard, y’all. 

For every positive there is a negative;

It’s “I want hold tight to my old life” and “I don’t know what my life is anymore.”
It’s “omg I literally cannot do this” and also “I get to fight for my life and a lot of women even five years ago wouldn’t have this treatment option.”
It’s “I want to go home and run far far away” and it’s also “this is so far out of my control and if I run a way the implication is death.”
It’s “eat anything you can stomach, all the milkshakes” while also being “um I absolutely cannot get fat and eating milkshakes too often feels guilty. “
It’s “I am more than my hair and outer appearance” and it’s “I legitimately might fall into the deepest depression when I see myself bald.”
It’s “I’m so lucky to have this amazing team of doctors” while also “should I trust these people, is this the right plan of action?”
It’s “holy shit I’m so scared of what’s to come with side effects worsening and the pain of surgery” and also “when the road gets harder that means I’m closer to being healed.”
It’s “I want to give up” and it’s also “think of all the things you’ll miss if you give up.”
Its “oh my gosh everyone is so generous and helpful and loving, I’m not deserving” and it’s also “I would wholeheartedly do the exact same for the loves in my life.”
Its “other people have it worse, suck it up” while it’s also “so many have it easier, this isn’t fair.”
Its “woo new boobs” and it’s also “but I love my tits and please let me keep my nipples.”
It’s “treatment is curative and this will be a blip in the radar” while also being “I fucking love my life please let me get back to it.”

The world isn’t black and white. It’s not absolutes. I have re read these posts and thought about the things I’ve said and it’s all true. But it’s also not the real picture. I’ll try to share the flip side here and there for transparency sake - not for pity. And also for myself so later this is more real and raw. But I’ll also will likely never put some of these thoughts in writing out into the world. Because they are scary. And sad. And they don’t deserve the significance of writing it out.