Exactly one week from the release of my hospital stay I had my 14th chemo infusion. This is the second red devil infusion and I’m honestly shocked we went ahead as scheduled. My cell levels were still pretty low. But, with triple negative breast cancer this is the road - you have to stay aggressive to stay ahead. And I am ahead!

I don’t trust my body. It’s a really terrifying place to be when my brain just doesn’t trust my body anymore. At every turn it’s trying to kill me. That sounds dramatic but it’s the reality I’m facing. When you throw in a questionable medical system - well it’s hard to know what to do, who to trust, and believe your body will survive. The year ended and started in a very dark and scary place.

It has almost been a week but I feel nauseated thinking back to last Monday. I was scared, to say the least. This was looming over me from day one. I am so very thankful to another breastie who answered my worried texts with honesty and grace. I was as prepared as I could be and overall my body handled it well!

When I first learned my chemo regimen I was overwhelmed to say the least. I pictured my future self and tried to imagine what it would feel like to make it through 12 consecutive weeks of chemo. I’ll be honest - it wasn’t this feeling. I thought I’d feel more empowered. Stronger. Somehow feel a little safer in my body. But all of the breasties who have done this before me are right - it’s fucking hard.

I’m a little behind but at this point don’t want to totally miss documenting chemo 11. Which, it went off without a hitch! We have some concerns about the numbness in my hands and my nail beds seem to be lifting from my fingers. But since we’re almost done with Carbo + Taxol - we went ahead with a full dosage.

For the first time I legitimately thought about just not going and staying in my bed and completely blowing chemo off. I wanted to pretend this wasn’t happening. That I was already done and on the road to having my hair back. To having my life back. But, sadly chemo isn’t something you can ever blow off because it’s the one and only way I can keep my life. I still have a body that’s trying to kill me and as much as I forgot that while living my life - it’s still the dark truth.

This has been on my heart and hanging out in the drafts of this blog for a bit. When I was first diagnosed I was of course terrified. But also, a little miffed that it seemed there was NOTHING out there with a real world look at what the hell was to come. The anxious part of my brain craved a road map of what to expect. I seriously wanted to know every detail - like what do I wear to an MRI?

woke up pretty excited this Friday morning. I just had to power through chemo and then I was on my way for a Gal’s weekend in Wintergreen/Charlottesville. I even finagled an extra bag of fluids to help keep my hydrated.

My cell counts were still a little low so another week with a 25% percent reduction in treatment. Also, I finally spoke up about this lovely rash on my face and they prescribed an antibiotic.

I am officially halfway through Chemo!!!!!!! Only 8 chemos left and only 4 weeklies!!! But, oh boy, 8 definitely hit me like a ton of bricks. The fatigue was more intense than anything I’ve experienced. My fingers and hands are numb for half the week now. My taste is ruined - therefore it’s hard to really have any appetite. I’m thankful though that by Wednesdays I’m pretty much back to normal still.

I like to celebrate every win - big or small. Even before cancer invaded my life. So, it’s no surprise I celebrated learning that I can in fact keep my nipple!!!! This is huge news and most women do not get this fortune if facing a mastectomy. I feel lucky - which is no small feat in this situation. But, thank you tumor hoe for deciding to form far enough away that I’ll forever keep my nipple! TMI for you? Well, you’ll have to get over it - or stop reading.

Woah, we're half way there, Woah, livin' on a prayer, Take my hand, we'll make it I swear

Friday, 10/29 marked my 6th chemo treatment - I am halfway through phase 1 of chemo!!!!! Halfway through the 12 weeklies! I have 10 more chemos left - but to feel halfway through anything at this point is a WIN. The road is still long and we’ve really just started but I’m big on celebrating EVERYTHING!!

These chemo updates are getting a little mundane, y’all. We have no idea how I’m doing so well physically but overall, other than losing my hair, I’m still feeling pretty normal. A month ago I really thought my life was over as I knew it.

It’s truly wild how quickly things can shift. Especially the emotions about this shit show. But, such is life! A lot of mundane updates for this post but I want to capture it.

Let’s start with a week 3 wrap up. It was a fucking hard week, y’all. I heard from a lot of survivors that the mental aspect of all of this is just as hard, if not harder, than the physical. And, I can tell you that is very true.

There are piles of hair on various surfaces in my apartment. In my bed. On my bathroom counter. In the sink. On the floor. On the couch and desk chair. On my clothes. Literally all. over. me. Each pile feels like a loss of my life. The life I know and love so very much. It feels utterly ridiculous that this feels like such a giant loss. But it is.

This was a good week. I felt good. Great even! I felt stronger and more prepared since the day I was diagnosed.

I got two barre classes in, some fun activities and socializing with friends, built a dresser (with help bc that would’ve been going back to the store without Leslie, Rachel, and Nicki building it for me), and I had very little to no nausea.

Positivity can easily be toxic. I know attitude is everything and I try to flip my perspective often. But this shit is hard, y’all.

For every positive there is a negative;

Two down - 16 to go! After I pressed publish on that week 1 wrap up the other day life laughed at me. Thursday evening everything caught up to me and I suddenly felt the nausea hit. Truthfully, I did way too much last week.

On the eve of my second treatment - I wanted to provide a week wrap up! I likely won’t continue these weekly but I like tracking this for now!

I have been blown away by everyone’s sweet notes, checking in, and overall generosity through this wild ride. I shouldn’t really be surprised, though. I’m surrounded by the most kick ass people!

I continuously get asked “how can I help?” So, I thought I’d make it easy for ya!

One down!!! Honestly, I didn’t think the day would come and the days leading up to it were the absolute hardest.